What leaves are you dropping? 

The tree anology is very interesting in, lets say your soul is your roots that holds your being and it is hardly seen. The tree 🌲 is who you are from outside your beauty or not, what you offer and what you are as part of vegetation that can be you family, social life, professional life etc, what everyone can see and be exposed to.

The tree life cycle is similar to human life cycle, from conception the seed, to birth the sprout, to infancy which is seeding, to juvenile which is sapling to adult maturing, to elderly where life declines and finally to death, snag or rot. 

As you go through your cycle you develop grow, know yourself understand what makes you what builds you. I turned 40 two years ago and the past year made me realise so much about my self and what I believed in outside my self.  I looked at the tree and how no matter what happens all seasons winter, spring, summer and autumn the root stands never waivers. I believed everything else I was born but not my nature, who I am and why I am…Yes I am….

I want to adopt the tree life in all seasons,not fear what’s going on and what season is in my life and be able to bare branches, spring flowers, blossom and most importantly shed leaves, not to only focus on what surrounds me and make that my core.

This is my season to to shed leaves, let go of anything and everything that is not working for me, anything, everyone and everything I don’t need. Scary as this sound but its time. 

To all my leaves I carried in my life, heart, mind and soul letting you go might not be easy but it has to happen as the next season is coming and must happen and cannot be held back by holding on to you or you hanging on. 

To new leaves, I am looking forward to you and how you going spring flowers and let me blossom until your time comes to be shed. 

It’s a cycle of life and it’s beautiful in all seasons embrace it….

This is to my next 20 years the past 40 it’s done


Experiencing feelings

Some days are not better than the others, as some will choose to say….”some days are better than the others.  Some of my day are not better, The feelings of despairing, low drive ,overwhelming emotions of sadness, physically tired and  heavily drained.
I  am one of those people who are quick to avdise other, I feel like I know what to say, how to say it to the point that I feel motivated myself sometimes wonder how do I do it where does the knowing what to say to others comes from…definitely not doubting the gift of wisdom given by my creator. He helps all the time.

When these emotions take over my being and  my real disappear, I feel down and out and nothing or no one gets to me to pull me out of a not positive state of emotions.

I have been hurts, I am a broken being a lot has happened and still happened. I am true to my emotions and state on my own. I never allow myself to share my deepest darkest pain the way I feel but hide them in my empowered happy self.

Today I needed to tell someone I am hurting and I am in pain, I feel broken and I wonder if I will be able to come out of this state as its a space I don’t like and I normally can’t handle negative space. 

May I find peace within.

I want to braai..But it might rain…

Often we want to do things like any activity and we get the “but factor” which can be a reason or an excuse not to do what we really want to do.

The reason or the excuse makes us doubtful so much that, most of the time we end up not doing what we want to do, they seems to be very good, defining one and important enough that the activity #falls and the but factors #wins.

“I want to braai, but it might rain” This blog content came when I was having a conversation with beautiful soul friend of mine, she wanted to braai, and had said so for two or three days .This one day the feeling of the braai came as if it was more than the braai activity to me when we were talking, more than the hunger and the need for food but the fulfilling activity. The braai to her most of time for it is for her only, never about hosting as norm to others and to me too. I have never thought to braai for me alone as in yes for 1 person and she does. 

On that day I asked her how long does she think it will take for her to braai and when does she think it will rain? The penny dropped to me that the feeling of now or actioning something is accompanied by more than an activity but deep routed feelings. In my head I thought if you wanting braai why not just do it, if you have everything you need to do so, its not raining now and the big but was it might not that it will…the irony of a chance of it raining  or might rain and looking at the time between doing the activity that one wants to do that time. The time in between “but factor” (Factual, legitimate or not) is that we rob ourselves of our own personal fulfilling things and activity that we want to engage in we sometimes don’t tak time to explore all options and opportunities to just do exactly what we want to do at that exact time. 

I have in the past two years adopted positive motivation, when I think of the but, the reasons, excuses and to add laziness I know they have real power on their own. The positive motivation I developed was the attitude and power to fight the “but factors”

There are a lot of contributing factors to the but factors, my quick easy steps or calculation to deal with the but factors plus the power and energy to do so are quick questions to myself….

  • Do I want to do this?      
  • Will I be able to do it?                         
  • Do I have time, money etc to do or make a plan to do it?

If the answer is yes, then … I do it. 

If the answer is no, then I don’t do it.

I have learned to be ok to with wanting to do something  and know that I can’t do it, I make sure the reasons or excuse is good enough. I let it win because I have interrogated it or I really want the “but factor” to win…by choice…and if it rains I can say you see, I knew it was going rain in an hour and I needed three hours and I don’t feel like “dancing in the rain” because I can. I will have my braai moment as soon as the weather clears…if I still feel like it LOL……!

Give your self what you want from others first…

When you meet people, it gets so easy to immediately fall in to giving them yourself, servicing them and expect the same from them. I am using the term serving loosely in this case I am referring to instinctively performing duties or servicing another person, simple things like love, making time, offer help, offer advise the list is endless. This can be any type of a relationship.

It gets worse, when we talking a sexual relationship it doesn’t matter whether its a new relationship or marriage. I am going to generalise…, women tend to be the victims of giving themselves first to their partners,  by living for others more than for self…. as much as this is not a bad thing, but when it gets to a point where this becomes a problem where, you forget about yourself and do not matter much more than others and you give everyone else everything and not your self. The twist….


…..we give other so much that we end up not existing as individuals first but exist for others and the lines get blurred as you never know what to do for yourself, I am not talking basics things like bathing, getting dressed, feed yourself etc lol… but more loving yourself,  affording your self everything else, pamper, dine, afford your lifestyle designed by self and given, maintenance etc … Women do so much for others, and the personal struggle becomes more an issue when there is no one to do anything for, Or when the wish of being taken care of by others is foreign and non can do it quite like you. 

When I discovered self without others, I found a different voice within me and started loving myself more and became more mindful of self and then take care of others without neglecting myself. That was empowering, I have become even better for others, I am for them without expectations  and they cannot fail me because they can only do themselves be themselves for me. The understanding of others became much better and the appreciation of people for being themselves because I can easily be myself….with ease is bliss!

Give everything to yourself first…it’s not selfish!


The dance..

Matters of heart can never be easy. I thought, as am enjoying the writing and sharing my thoughts structured or not. 
This is what came to mind is that the relationship is like a dance between two people, with their own part, more the Wallz, Quick step the Latin American etc..where it’s just the two people in it, not so much the group or solo routines.

Let’s look at dance where partners have to be in it together, both committing , practice together or sometimes as individuals just to perfect their routine,they have individual responsibility to either lead, follow or just dance together…..not forgeting the need to perfect the art and be better every single time, for everything  they committed to, professional, building a name, for fun,  competition if need be or anything that the dance partners decides on.

Hands holding tight as the symbol of togetherness joined in supporting each other. No letting go of the hands holding in the dance as a key factor in the dance. Even if there is stumbling and falling there is comfort in the holding hands, however way. The 100% chance of stepping on each others toes, while learning and starting the 1st steps to the dance routine. 

The unspoken rule for cautious behavior and awareness of the other just in front you, looking at how you doin in the dance, how you learn how you deal with yourself and how you deal with the “partner in dance” the mistakes, the endurance what you do well and better. The dance the passion, the love, the constant practice and new routines over and over again, different music and tune…

In all this dance, teaching each other, the  dance as we know it, as we want the partner to know the dance and dancing, individualy, through us as teachers of what we know, through others the experts, other dancers before us who have been there done that,other dancers learning from us and aspire to what they see or know.

Then time comes where the dance becomes a routine nothing more but just what it is , no effort to be better,no need for learning new routines?  no discovering of new things yet the dance remains in motions or even going back to what got the partners together in the dance.

When do we want to stop dancing with somebody, when do we stop feeling the heat to be with somebody who loves you. # cheesy I know…Whitney’s lyrics are better than mine.

Whats in the dance…?Please share your thoughts.

Life as I know it.

I took time out the 2 days and allowed my self to rest, the thoughts in my head just occupied the space so much that, I started reading and the more I read, the more the edge of writing troubled me. 

The best about all this is that, I understood this saying better than ever.

“I always thought I don’t speak well, I don’t know how to get my point across. Blamed everything else and made all the excuses in the world just to feed my fear of thinking I am not good enough”

Guess what now I know I don’t have to be good enough or anything but just be….a being.

Living the love… 

All my life, I have been surrounded by love that I think I have created. My first attempt in putting down my thoughts after conversation with a friend I always share my deepest thoughts and views. 

My reality is my life the in between is my struggle. I am a sucker for love, for human interaction that so much more that, I fall in love with almost everyone I meet and connect with. In my journey of life I have so many people 41 years later, I am intrigued by love and my relationship with generally, sexually and otherwise. 

Feels good to just write…

Next.. I will explore structure my thoughts. Write with a purpose but now will just enjoy what is happening here. Whatever it is, let’s see where it takes me and us.